How do you write a blog about things that you’re afraid of? Or at least, how do
you start it? We all have fears, so it shouldn’t be that hard, but then again,
bringing up fears is hardly something that someone wants to do. We don’t want to be reminded that there are scary
things out there in this world, like crazy people and murderers and heights. Of
course, if we’re talking about my personal fears, we’re talking about more than
just heights and crowds.
The thing that I am most afraid of is failure. I can’t even begin to describe
the dreams that I’ve had revolving around this idea that I’m not good enough
for something or not good enough to do something. I’ve had dreams about failed
quizzes, failed SATs, being humiliated (which I consider a failure in
communication) and scads and scads of other things. The worst part is the
sinking feeling in your gut when you receive that less-than-eighty-percent test
back, or when the orchestra’s solo goes to someone else because you faltered on
a note after missing a beat. Failure happens. I would just prefer that it
didn’t.
I am a huge control freak, to the point where I won’t use certain
programs on my computer (like MS Paint) because I won’t have complete control
over every single line that I draw (MS Paint gives you a maximum of two
opportunities to fix a line before becoming completely set, and if you don’t
like it, Control + Z gets rid of the entire line instead of giving you the
chance to fix your mistake). So, that being said, it should come to no surprise
to anyone who actually reads this that I fear what I can’t control. Not in
terms of things like the weather (though when we have the occasional freak
storm, the power surges aren’t exactly pleasant), but for things like decisions
that other people make and other peoples’ impressions of me and my future (I
have control over my future, but a lot of times it doesn’t feel like I do, and
that’s what bothers me).
There are a lot of other things that scare me a bit, too, like clowns and
spiders (though spiders aren’t as scary to me as clowns) and any sort of math
problem, so I guess I’m relatively normal in that
respect…
